The Things People Do For A Buck Or Two

As I sat in the kitchen of Apartment 22 pondering what my next blog entry would include, Elizabeth and Danny started another one of their epic disputes. Both were at the stove attempting to make something delicious. Elizabeth was reheating her wonderful chili (which was delicious), and Danny made hot ham and cheese (we will give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it tasted okay). Elizabeth has a gift for knowing exactly what to say in order to irritate Danny. Sandy sat on the futon tired and exhausted. She didn't feel well and decided to not get involved and let her best friend and boyfriend duke it out as they always did.

"Danny, you're an idiot!"

"Shut up Elizabeth! I'm going to suffocate you with a pillow in your sleep!"

"Ha! Too bad I sleep with my eyes open Danny! I'll kick your a**!"

No need to worry. This is how the two normally address each other-- like a brother and sister pair who aren't afraid to wrestle until the death. So many empty death threats are exchanged throughout the apartment, I have already declared that if one of us shows up dead I will not be providing alibis for anyone. When a pause in the bickering occurred, somewhere in between Danny flipping his hot ham cheese to toast the other side and Elizabeth tasting her chili's temperature, I lamented to my friends about my short comings as a blogger. "I've been so busy with school. I haven't even really had time to think about what my next blog will be. I've been slacking so hard core when it comes to posts. If I even have a shot at this job I really need to start writing more often, but all I've done lately is school work. I mean, you can only write so many blog entries about how awful MatLAB programming is. I need to write one tonight and post it, but I haven't done anything worth posting! You guys need to do something entertaining tonight. Do something funny. Hey, Danny could you do something really stupid for us?"

Still fired up from his tiff with Elizabeth Danny replied, "Dang it Sequoia! I knew that's where you were going with that little speech! And NO. I WON'T!"

"Haha just talk about the stupid things Danny has done," giggled Elizabeth uncontrollably while she stirred her chili, "for example, the time this idiot snorted an aspirin."

With this comment Sandy jumped in with a laugh, "You mean a baby aspirin, and he couldn't even do it!"

Defensively, Danny replied, "Hey, back in the day I used to be able to snort those huge pixi sticks okay. That really hurt when I tried to snort that aspir-"

"You mean baby aspirin," interrupted Sandy.

"I really need to start hanging out with more boys," stated the defeated Danny.

Here is the short but hilarious tale of Danny attempting to snort (emphasis on the word attempting) a baby aspirin.

I was reading my MatLAB textbook in an effort to actually understand what was occurring in my engineering class when Danny waltzed into mine and Elizabeth's room. "Is five dollars enough money to snort a baby aspirin?" asked Danny as if it were a normal question anyone would ask.

"What?"

"Don't ask questions. If someone offered you five dollars would you snort a baby aspirin?"

Assuming Danny was going to give Sandy five dollars if she completed this snorting task, I decided to help her cash in more than five dollars. Of course we all know what happens when one assumes."Uhhh...are you serious? No way. It would take a heck of a lot more money than that to get this nose to snort anything. A minimum of at least...I don't know...say...twenty bucks? Yes, it would take at least twenty dollars for me to consider snorting aspirin, so you can imagine how much money it would take in order for me to actually do it."

"Thank you, Sequoia," nodded Danny. While he walked out the door he shouted, "Sandy! I'll do it for twenty dollars!"

Obviously if I would have known Danny would be the one snorting I would have lowered the price to fifty cents in order to help a sister out, but I suppose we all know what happens when one assumes.

"Twenty dollars? How about I give you three?" countered Sandy. She wasn't going into double digits let alone into the twenty dollar range.

"What? That's lower! I'll do it for ten."

"Five."

"Nine."

"Five and a half."

"Seven?"

"Eh, I guess seven is fine. Now snort!"

"You aren't seriously going to snort that are you?" I questioned, attempting to be the voice of reason. Though when Danny responded with a yes I certainly wasn't going to press the matter. It was always entertaining when Danny did idiotic things. "Okay, well if you are really going to do it you need to wait while I get Elizabeth because there is no way she is going to miss this...ELIZABETH COME QUICK DANNY IS GOING TO SNORT BABY ASPIRIN!"

"I hate you Sequoia."

"Haha the feeling is mutual Danny," I replied with a sly grin.

Sandy ground the baby aspirin into a fine powder. After the bathroom counter was sanitized the powdered baby aspirin was sprinkled into a long fine line across the edge of the counter.

"Don't make me do it."

"Oh come on you big baby. I'm giving you seven bucks for it! Just do it!"

After about five minutes of bashing on Danny's ego, Sandy and Elizabeth were able to talk Danny into snorting the baby aspirin. He bent down, place a finger on one nostril and began to inhale the powder. However, after one quick sniff, Danny went into a fit of sneezes and coughs while Sandy, Elizabeth, and I went into a fit of laughs.

"That hurt. Do I get my seven dollars now?"

"Hahahaha heck no! Are you serious? You didn't snort all of it! Shoot you didn't even snort an eighth of it!"

"Man that hurt. I really could snort a whole giant pixi stick back in the day."

"Haha you are such a pansy Danny!" piped Elizabeth, "This baby aspirin thing is going to give us something to laugh about for years."

"I really wish you could have seen yourself," I added, "Hahahaha you should totally try again except this time we will video tape it, send it into America's Funniest Home Videos, and then it will be voted the best and we, meaning Sandy; Elizabeth; and I, will win ten thousand dollars and go on a big fancy vacation!"

"You guys really aren't ever going to let me live this one down are you?"

"Haha not a chance in you know where Danny," replied Elizabeth, "When we are old and in wheelchairs, I'll say 'Hey old fart, remember that one time you were an idiot and seriously tried to snort a baby aspirin for seven dollars? Hahaha ohhhh good times, good times.'"

"I really do need to start hanging out with guys more often."

After reflecting on Danny's baby aspirin stunt, I found it appropriate to include an event that occurred the first semester of my freshmen year. Before I left for college, I made a ten dollar purchase at Gander Mountain. It was a container of pepper spray in order to protect myself when walking back to my dorm at night. Don't get me wrong. I do feel very safe on campus because of programs, such as the Safe Walk program and the emergency response boxes with the blue lights scattered throughout campus; however, I had never lived anywhere but my house, and I wanted to feel safe in my new environment. The pepper spray clipped right on my key chain and went everywhere I did. It was a normal night out with my boys Riff, Action, A-Rab, and Baby John. The five of us went for a walk around campus that early September night. On our way back to Cary Quad, we wandered into Tark Mart or Boiler Junction as it is formally known. We used our dining dollars in order to buy snacks for our movie choice of the night, The Big Lebowski. On our way out of Tarkington, Riff managed to unhook my pepper spray from my key chain without my knowing. Ever since I had purchased the pepper spray, Riff had badgered me into letting him "test out the pepper spray to make sure it works properly." As we walked up the side walk toward the road, Riff approached A-Rab and said, "Hey A-Rab, I'll pay you ten dollars if you let me spray this in your face."

"Well heck yah for ten dollars I'll let you spray me in the face!" replied A-Rab instantly.

Upon realizing that Riff was holding my pepper spray, I immediately jumped in the situation. "A-Rab are you crazy?! You are not seriously letting Riff spray you in the face for ten bucks. Are you nuts? It says military tear gas on the side of the canister. MILITARY TEAR GAS! Are you honestly going to let him spray you in the face? Back out of this right now!"

"Sequoia, it's ten bucks. That's not bad at all."

Realizing that reasoning with A-Rab would be challenging especially with the support of Action and Baby John who had been enjoying every moment of my frantic attempts to stop Riff and A-Rab from being completely stupid and who were in full support of the spray in the face deal, I turned my attention to Riff. "Riff! Give me back my pepper spray! That's mine and you can't use it without my permission, and I'm not giving it to you! Give it back! Don't you dare even think about spraying A-Rab in the face. He'll go blind! Riff, please. Please just give it back. He could seriously get hurt, and it's only nine o' clock! People are out and about on campus still. Really guys this isn't safe!"

I tried playing the good cop/bad cop routine on Riff and A-Rab for another ten minutes, but my efforts were beyond futile. Within this ten minutes, Action and Baby John returned to Tark Mart in order to purchase a gallon of water for A-Rab's face once he was sprayed. Baby John also started video recorder on his phone in order to document the incident. There was no way I could stop this ridiculous scene from occurring. Brute force was useless considering all of the boys were significantly strong than I. Action held me back, and I was forced against my will to witness Riff pepper spray A-Rab right in the face. I had never seen someone fall like that in my life. A-Rab's legs literally collapsed right out from underneath himself as he grabbed his face with his hands. While the boys laughed I quickly ran to try and aid A-Rab. As I walked toward him, Riff slipped the pepper spray into my hand. Noticing the spectacle, students started to walk towards A-Rab and observe him flailing about in the grass unable to see. "What happened to him?" people asked. Action replied, "Oh he was trying to rape her (as he pointed directly at me) so she pepper sprayed him. No worries bro everything is fine."

You can imagine the reaction this rape cover story evoked from me. I don't think the boys had ever seen me quite so hysterical and angry. "Action don't you dare tell people that! Sorry about that folks. That's not what happened at all! This idiot (as I point to Riff) told this idiot (as I point to A-Rab whom is still on the ground) that he would give him ten dollars if he could spray him in the face with pepper spray! Let the record show I was against this plan from the beginning! Come on boys. You all are making a huge scene (though really at this point, I was the one making a huge scene), and now, thanks to you, Riff, A-Rab can't even watch the dang movie because he can't see anymore!"

We all started walking towards Cary Quad, the boys still laughing hysterically and brushing off my scoldings when a voice called from behind. A-Rab had managed to stand, but asked us to wait up because he couldn't see and didn't know where to go. Action's response? "Follow the sound of my voice!"

Riff and Action walked on either side of A-Rab and escorted him back to Cary Quad safely while all of the boys listened to a loud and long scolding from me. Once we returned, we were able to see A-Rab's face in it's full glory. His face had completely swollen and was extremely red and irritated. His eyes were completely swelled shut. Riff took A-Rab to the restroom in an attempt to wash him while I visited the neighbor whom was in ROTC. He had been pepper sprayed as part of his military training, and I was hoping to gain some advice on what to do for A-Rab in order to ease the pain. Unfortunately, there was no immediate relief. A-Rab would simply have to wait it out. While Riff and I attempted to help A-Rab, Action and Baby John hopped on the computer to upload the video Baby John took on his phone of Riff spraying A-Rab. It took about a half hour, but the pair successfully uploaded the video to YouTube. Though Action tried to edit the video and make the image brighter, he was unable to make the original film anymore visible than it was originally. If you wish to see the seventeen second video of A-Rab being pepper sprayed, here is the link but first let me caution you that the title of the video is vulgar, and the darkness makes it hard to see. If you watch it a few times you will see Riff approach A-Rab and spray followed immediately after by A-Rab collapsing. It might take a few tries and some adjusting of the computer screen, but you can see it I promise. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VwQnaP75OQ.

Both Danny and A-Rab were guilty of the same thing--indulging in a ridiculous request by someone in order to make a little money. Now don't get me wrong. I've been guilty of this type of act before too. I once put sunscreen on a passed out man's belly for six dollars. I know as college students money is a huge issue since there isn't a lot of it to go around. But why is it when money is offered in exchanged for doing something idiotic and harmful to your body, males seem to jump right up to shake hands on the bet? This pattern can even be seen in the little ones. When I saw my little brother a few weeks ago he participated in a game called "Pepperoni." Every time the a person scored a point while playing ping pong, they got to hit the ping pong ball as hard as they could against their opponents bare back creating red circular marks on the person's back or "pepperoni." Ridiculous right? I don't understand why they participate in these sorts of ridiculous activities. It is amazing what people will do when a little money is offered in return for finishing the task.

All my love,
Koya = )

Riff- West Side Story
Action- West Side Story
A-Rab- West Side Story
Baby John- West Side Story
All of these characters are members of the "Sharks" for those whom are familiar with the show. Oh and Ps.
I cooked some peas and put them in some left overs from that chicken stuffing casserole from the last entry, and it was pretty tasty. If you like peas you should for give it a shot!